In a perfect world, separated parents would be able to communicate well with each other and meet each other cordially for child custody exchanges. Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world. Though most parents would like to peacefully transfer their child to the other parent with as little drama as possible that is many times just not the case. Parents let their emotions get in the way and perhaps the tensest types of relationships are those between former romantic partners. That’s why child custody exchanges can turn ugly quickly. Old resentments surface, jealous feelings arise, and frustrations with each other’s parenting style or decision-making appear.
There are steps that people can take to lessen the chances of a custody exchange turning into an argument or a violent altercation. Managing a child custody situation is difficult for even the most level-headed, emotionally detached person. Add in the feelings that often accompany seeing an ex, and most people could use some help. The most important thing to remember at all times is: “How will my words or actions affect my children?” Making sure your behavior is in line with how you would want them to grow up and to treat their future romantic partner is crucial in remembering how your behavior could negatively impact them in many ways.
Here are six important tips to follow in a custody exchange.
1. Don’t make last-minute changes to the plans. Meeting at a convenience store instead of picking up the kids at your ex’s house may not seem like a big deal, but if changing the meeting location is something that you frequently do, or it inconveniences your ex, it could lead to angry words, and angry words can snowball into bigger problems. Of course something might pop up from time to time, but it’s best to try and avoid making any last-minute changes. In those circumstances, try to be reasonable with the other parent.
2. Arrive on time. It sounds like an easy rule, but so often parents are waiting around for the other parent who consistently shows up late. Just making an effort to show up where and when you’re supposed to can go a long way in diffusing a potentially stressed situation. And, even being just a few minutes late can be enough to push an already angry ex over the edge. If something does come up and you are going to be a few minutes late, text or call the other parent and let them know as soon as you can. Do not make them wait wondering when you will arrive. But do not make a habit of doing this kind of thing.
3. Arrive prepared. Any parent knows it can be hard to get all of their children’s belongings together and get them out the door. But, it’s very important for everyone’s sense of peace if you show up to the exchange with all of your children’s clothes, any favorite blankets or toys, sports uniforms and gear, school work, and anything else your ex is expecting you to hand over.
4. Don’t discuss other issues at the exchange. Yes, your ex is there, and you’ve got their attention. However, that is not an excuse to fall into the temptation of discussing changes to your holiday plans, or a request for more or less child support. Those discussions are almost always better handled in other ways, at other times, not in front of the children. If you want to talk about something along those lines, ask them to set aside some time in the upcoming days to speak on the phone or over text message about those issues.
5. Do not bring dates or friends. If your relationship with your ex is so strained that you feel safest with a witness at your exchange, bring someone who will not trigger your ex or make the situation more contentious. If your ex is not familiar with a new romantic partner then do not bring them to your custody exchange. If you wish for your ex to meet this person so that they may feel more comfortable with them around the children, make sure you ask your ex if it’s okay before doing so. Or, find another time that your ex can meet them in a different place. It may take some time for your ex to feel comfortable with a new romantic partner around, and it is best not to make this initial interaction at a custody exchange if you think your ex is going to be upset.
6. Do not put your children in the middle of it. Your children did not pick their parents – you did. Don’t talk bad about your ex to your children. Don’t ask your children to relay messages to the other parent that are not appropriate for the children to discuss. Do not ask your children to confirm or deny statements made by the other parent about any kind of custody issues or to act as a “spy” against the other parent. The best interest of the child is never served by being in the middle of their parent’s disputes. This kind of environment just creates a skewed view of how adults are to behave with one another in romantic relationships and can have lasting effects on your children as they grow older.
Divorce. Custody. Child Support. These are all quite difficult family law legal issues that impact people in many different ways. You should make sure your rights and needs are addressed. You can do so by counting on the experienced, proven, and trusted Family Law attorneys at Mooney Law. We stand ready to help today. Call 717-200-HELP or 717-632-4656 for a consultation.
